7 steps to support someone who may be experiencing family violence

The experience of family violence is not an uncommon one in Australia.

The most recent data suggests that at least 1 in 6 women and 1 in 18 men have experienced physical and/or sexual violence by a partner. These figures are even higher when considering coercive control.

This means that you likely know someone experiencing violence.

It can be difficult to know for sure, as signs often aren’t obvious, but recognising and making yourself familiar with potential signs and indicators may lead to an opportunity to support someone you know.

Berry Street is one of Victoria’s largest providers of family violence services. We help victim survivors stay in their community safely, wherever possible, to live a life free of violence, while also addressing their emotional and practical needs and issues arising from the violence.

On a recent episode of our podcast, Stories from Berry Street, we discussed the root causes of coercive control and abuse to highlight what needs to be done to ensure that family violence, in all its forms, is not tolerated in our community. You can listen to it here.

We’ve also put together seven steps to support a friend or family member you think might be being harmed by someone.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000 for Police and Ambulance help.

1. Learn the signs

You might suspect that someone you know is experiencing violence at home, but there aren’t always obvious signs. Often, people can hide this and may not even recognise that what they are experiencing is abuse or believe they can (safely) get assistance.

There are some things you can look out for:

• Is the person becoming withdrawn from friends and family?

• Is the person behaving differently in their partner’s presence? For example: they might be more timid or quiet when their partner is around. Or, they may present more loudly

• The person discloses their partner monitors them or needs regular contact from them. For example: they say their partner gets angry or upset if they don’t reply to their messages or that they monitor their location via their phone

• The person says their partner is quick to anger or displays jealously

• Their partner criticises or ridicules the person in public. They may even appear to be joking, but this could be a way of controlling their partner’s behaviour

• The person has physical injuries that are inconsistent with their explanation for them

• The person indicates that they need to seek permission to do things or may face a consequence (like ‘silent treatment') if they do something without their partner’s consent

2. Start a conversation

If you think a friend or loved one is experiencing violence, the first thing to do is to ask the question. You may be worried that the person will get upset or won’t want to talk – while this may be the case, your concern may help them to start thinking about leaving.

Here are some helpful tips to keep in mind before you speak with them:

• Ensure the person is alone, and you’re in an environment where it is safe to speak, and there’s enough time to talk at length

• Begin the conversation by offering observations such as, “You don’t seem yourself lately”. However, remember to be invitational, for example, "do you want to talk about this?”

• Believe what they tell you. Even if you have not seen violent or controlling behaviours from their partner yourself, remember that perpetrators of violence or abuse are often able to hide these behaviours from people outside their home

3. Listen without judgement

If someone chooses to share their experience of family violence with you, remember they are trusting you with what they may see as private information. Listen to them without judgement and believe what they say.

Don’t offer judgements about the person that is harming them. However, you can remind them they have a right to safety, “It’s not okay to feel threatened”. Remember that they may feel responsible for your relationship with and opinion of their partner. Don’t make them feel like they need to justify why they have stayed in their relationship. This will likely just make them hide or withhold information from you.

Moreover, often in these situations we might want to offer advice about what we would do. But this is not helpful. Instead, listen closely and remind them that everyone has the right to live free from violence and abuse, and that you are worried for their safety.

4. Allow them to make their own decisions

Although you may hope your friend or loved one chooses to leave their relationship immediately, this often doesn’t happen right away. This can be because a person may need to stay in contact with their partner, such as when there are children involved.

Often, violence escalates after a relationship ends. Your friend or loved one should feel supported by you, even if this means they choose to stay with their violent partner. You should communicate that they still have your support, and you will be there for them when things change.

5. Help them form a safety plan (if they wish to do so)

If your friend or family member remains in a relationship or contact with the person using violence towards them, you can assist them in developing a safety plan. A safety plan is unique to each individual and circumstance and will consider the actions a person is already taking to keep themselves and their family safe.

Alternatively, you can encourage your friend or loved one to make contact with The Orange Door, which provides these services.

Remember, if you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000 for Police and Ambulance help.

6. What to avoid in the process

When talking to your friend or family member experiencing violence, remember that ultimately, they need to feel supported by you.

For this to happen, ensure that you:

• Avoid blaming things like drugs, alcohol, mental health or adverse circumstances for their partner’s violent or abusive behaviours. Violence in all its forms is never okay, and none of these things cause someone to inflict violence.

• Don’t tell them what to do. Instead, provide information about family violence and remind them there is help if they would like it. Do research beforehand about available support in their area. This will hopefully empower them to make their own decisions about their situation.

• Don’t speak negatively about their abuser. Although you will likely feel anger and disapproval at this person, if you speak disparagingly, your friend or family member may feel the need to defend their partner. This may cause them to feel shame and not communicate their experiences truthfully with you. This will defeat the purpose of helping them to leave their situation.

7. Don't give up on them

A person experiencing family violence will attempt to leave more than once before successfully doing so.

It is reported that most people attempt to leave a violent relationship numerous times.

This means you will likely see your friend return to their relationship more than once.

This will feel discouraging, and you may be disappointed. However, it’s extremely important that you don’t cut off contact or get angry with them. They need to know they have people outside of their home who support them no matter what their choices are. Then, when they are ready to leave, they will know they can rely on you for help.

Continue to reiterate that you want them to be happy and live a life free from violence and abuse. Remind them you want to support them to become safe. Do this as frequently as you can.

If you're in an emergency

• Call 000 and speak to the police if you or someone you know is in immediate danger.

Getting help

Worried about yourself, a friend or another family member? The following services provide help and support:

Nationwide 24-hour services

• 1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732
• Lifeline: 13 11 14

Victoria-wide services

• The Orange Door – various locations, visit orangedoor.vic.gov.au
• Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre (24-hour service): 1800 015 188 or 03 9322 3555
• Sexual Assault Crisis Line (24-hour service): 1800 806 292
• Men's Referral Service (24-hour service): 1800 065 973
• Victorian Aboriginal Child Care Agency (VACCA): visit VACCA: Family violence

Specialist support

• In Touch Multicultural Centre against Family Violence: 03 9482 5744 or 03 8413 6800
• Elizabeth Morgan House Aboriginal Women’s Service (Melbourne): 03 9482 5744
• Ballarat and District Aboriginal Cooperative (Western Victoria): 03 5331 5344
• W/Respect: 1800 542 847
• Thorne Harbour Health (for LGBTIQA+ people): 1800 134 840