Berry Street Education Model: The BSEM repair conversation  

BSEM defines the repair conversation as a private, respectful, and restorative conversation that occurs between a staff member and a student.

The goal of the conversation is to repair relational rupture and address the student’s state of physiological, emotional, or behavioural dysregulation.

The conversation does not set out to chastise or punish the student. The focus is to create opportunities for the student to learn proactive steps for relational repair then move forward in a positive manner. We are trying to build student’s insight and self-reflection (Brunzell & Norrish, 2021, p. 116).

As the trusted adult, we are the student’s anchor point within the school community, and we also support them with structures and boundaries. We aim to provide students both a safe haven and a secure base. (Huber et al., 2017).

We have designed the repair conversation to be meaningful to both the educator and the young person.

We show unconditional positive regard for our students by guiding and supporting them through the repair process, and we model for them how to navigate and learn from difficult situations.

Creating the conditions for the repair conversation

In an honest repair conversation, a student experiences a level of vulnerability. We can create safety and support for students by:

• creating consistent, predictable routines and strong relationships
• proactively using the Ready to Learn Scale
• explicitly teaching processes in the body such as the stress response or interoception
• providing students with tools and strategies to manage and reflect on moments of escalation
• embedding regulation strategies into students’ Ready to Learn Plans
• providing opportunities to identify, use, and celebrate students’ strengths
• identifying agreed values and exploring these values in action
• creating a culture of giving feedback, where reflective conversations are a regular and expected occurrence.  

Remember the BSEM teaching sequence; the repair conversation is not the place to introduce new concepts, these should always be introduced through clear explicit teaching to all students.

When should we have a repair conversation?

The repair conversation should occur as soon as possible after the incident, but only once student and educator are de-escalated. The time this takes will vary depending on the incident and individuals involved. The educator should set the scene for a respectful, open dialogue. Consider providing strategies for co-/self-regulation, such as going for a walk, deep breathing, or providing space for emotion.

Language for de-escalation can support a student to engage in the conversation:

• We’re here to repair the rupture together.
• You’re not in trouble.
• I want to hear your side.
• I’m not mad at you.
• What happened?
• How can I help you right now?
• Let’s talk about this.
• Let’s work together to sort this out.
• I can see you’re having a hard time.

The repair conversation provides a whole-school consistent, predictable routine to support students and educators in difficult conversations.

We want to work through the process without renewed escalation or engaging in conversations or negotiations that sidetrack the process. The process also requires a mindful presence from the educator to increase the likelihood of the young person meaningfully reflecting on their actions and behaviours.

We don’t want to just go through the motions, we want a genuine reflective conversation. The prompts below can help guide an effective repair conversation.

The repair conversation is enabled by connection. By acknowledging students’ strengths and working within an understanding of shared values we are signalling that we appreciate them. We can see beyond this difficult moment. We know they can do better, and we want them to know that we will support them to get there. We demonstrate that we hold hope for our students, and that we believe in their capacity for positive change.

There are multiple reflection points throughout the repair conversation to remind us of opportunities for learning. These are equally important for the student and the educator.

Use these reflective questions to support the conversation:

• Has the student been provided with proactive strategies to prevent escalation?
• Are we providing them with opportunities for regulating movement?
• How we are providing the student with relational feedback?
• Do they have an effective Ready to Learn Plan in place?
• What strategy could they have used or been supported to use in the micro-moment before the incident or issue that might have created a better outcome for all parties.
• Have they engaged with the other wellbeing supports provided in your setting?

Reflection on preventative strategies, such as those embedded into the Ready to Learn Plan, can provide pathways to constructive conversations and improved future outcomes.

Reflection on the other person’s point of view can create opportunities for empathy. Empathy, or more precisely perspective taking (Maibom, 2020) is understanding the other by imagining oneself in their situation.

It is different to sympathy where we share the feelings of another to the point of compassion. This distinction may support students to allow themselves to view the situation from a different angle, even when they may not share the feelings of others.

Importantly, inviting students to consider ways to repair relationships is different to a forced apology. Forcing an apology from a young person who does not yet feel sorry is asking them to say something they don’t feel is true. It is not a helpful pathway towards genuine self-reflection or positive behaviour change. Research has also found that in children who are 6 years or older, mandated apologies are less likely to reconcile victims (Schleien et al., 2010).

Here are some language examples that can support students to connect with the other person involved in the conflict:

• Somebody’s feelings were hurt. What do you need when you are hurt?
• What do you think is needed to make things right?
• What do you think about what they just said?
• Is there anything you think they might need to hear to move forward?
• How can you build a bridge that you can both use?

Before we conclude the repair conversation, it needs to come back to learning. We may not have capacity to make up for missed learning time, but by focussing on some catch-up time, we are signalling that we do not give up on students and that their learning matters. It also gives students the opportunity to indicate that they are ready to return to learning.

Finally, the BSEM what went well reflection is a way to show appreciation for a student when they do meaningfully engage in this repair conversation.

It is not easy to learn the skills to repair relationships after moments of rupture, so we need to ensure that we recognise the student’s effort and their positive intentions for next time.

Some advice for educators:

• If you are the person who witnessed or were affected by the escalation, you should (when possible) be the person who does the repair conversation. Supporting a student through the rupture and repair cycle builds strong relationships.
• Ask questions with the willingness and curiosity to hear the answer patiently. If students struggle, you can support them by modelling answers.
• However, if a student is not ready to engage in the repair conversation in a genuine way, take charge. Model the conversation and talk through the issue with them from your perspective, but also indicate that the repair conversation is important and that you will revisit it when the student is ready.

Finally, check out this resource on the BSEM Alumni Resources Hub.

References:

Brunzell, T., & Norrish, J. (2021). Creating trauma-informed, strengths-based classrooms: Teacher strategies for nurturing students’ healing, growth, and learning. Jessica Kingsley. 

Huber, A., Hawkins, E., & Cooper, G. (2018). Circle of Security. In Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Breunlin, D. (Eds), Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-15877-8_845-1

Maibom, H. (2020). Empathy (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315213477

Schleien, S., Ross, H., & Ross, M. (2010). Young children’s apologies to their siblings. Social Development, 19(1), 170-186. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2008.00526.x