Breaking the cycle of violence

Ebony* was a toddler when Toby* was born, so she doesn’t remember life before him. In fact, there are lots of parts of her life she doesn’t remember.

She does remember going to birthday parties, but never wanting kids from school to come over. The expression on her dad’s face when her mum did something he didn’t like, the feeling of calm before the storm hit. Her mum trying to move away from her and Toby when her dad made that face. The dusty smell of the carpet under her bed as she ran and hid. The feeling of relief when she heard her dad’s car revving as he drove out of the driveway. Seeing her mum slumped against the kitchen cupboards or rocking a silent Toby back and forth in the hallway. The shame of seeing her mum using makeup to try and hide bruises. Wanting Toby to just be normal and stop walking on his toes.

Ebony was at a sleepover the night the police took her father away.

The next morning her aunty picked her up and took her home. Her mum cried and said her dad was going to have to go to prison for a while.

During the summer holidays before starting high school, Ebony's mum worked at the pharmacy a lot more. Ebony hung around the train station, the shopping centre and the skate park. She met new older friends who went to a different school. When her mum wasn’t working, she was taking Toby to lots of appointments. She said there was a reason he was the way he was - he had autism.

Ebony started catching the train to school. She liked classes but didn’t try to make friends there, they all seemed immature. She met her friends at the skate park every day after school.

At the skate park, Ebony tried vaping. She took money from her mum’s purse to get her own. When her mum accused her of taking money and threatened to ground her, Ebony slammed her hand in the sliding door. She felt ashamed when she saw the look of shock on her mum’s face but started taking money more often. Soon her mum stopped keeping money in her purse.

Ebony’s mum would come into her room unannounced while Ebony was doing something private, and nagged her about not coming straight home from school. Her mum was with Toby at appointments or working most of the time anyway. Ebony started going to her mum’s sister’s house nearby when her mum was too much.

One evening, her mum told her from now on she had to be home by 5.30pm or she’d confiscate Ebony’s phone. Ebony tried to tell her the skate park was the only time she got to see her friends, but her mum cut her off. Ebony felt something unleash inside her. She swore at her and threw the plate off the kitchen bench at her mum.

It kept happening all that year and for most of the next. Her mum would tell her she had to do something; like get off her phone when she was in the middle of a conversation. Ebony would keep messaging, so her mum would threaten her with a punishment, and Ebony would get angry and try and scare her. She always felt ashamed afterwards, but just got used to it. Eventually, her mum stopped telling her what to do.

Her dad got out of prison and moved in with his new girlfriend. She worried he would turn up at the house and how she would protect herself and Toby.

One of Ebony’s friends from the skate park showed her the knife that she said made her feel safer. That night, Ebony took a sharp knife from the kitchen and hid it in her school bag – just in case. The next day her mum asked if Ebony knew where the missing knife went. Ebony tried to explain but just couldn’t find the words to explain. Her mum knew she’d taken it and was yelling and trying to stop her from leaving the kitchen. Ebony got angry, swore and threw the knife block at her mum. It clipped her chin and her mum started crying.

One evening Ebony’s mum said she wasn’t allowed to go out that night. Ebony tried to make her understand that her friends were already waiting for her, but her mum told her she didn’t care and to go to her room. Ebony became frustrated, punched her in the face and slammed the front door behind her.

A couple of days later her aunt was there when she got home. She said the way Ebony was treating her mum was not acceptable and she had to start seeing someone to get help.

In her first session, Ebony met her counsellor, Ally. Ebony expected to hate the sessions and Ally, but she didn’t.

Ally asked Ebony to explain what was happening at home, and listened to what she had to say. She quite liked talking to someone who seemed to understand. Together they agreed that if Ebony got really frustrated, she should leave the house, walk to her aunt’s house and ask to stay a couple of nights. Ally said there would be other changes that Ebony would see around the house to help make her mum feel safe, including a lockbox for the knives to be kept in.

Ebony agreed that hurting her mum was not okay, and to try and stop. Ally suggested ways for Ebony to try and think before she lashed out. Some didn’t work at all, but Ebony realised that walking and listening to music did. Ally suggested some dance moves she could try while wearing her earphones in her bedroom. Ebony scoffed at them but then found they worked and they made her feel lots better.

After a few sessions, Ally said they were going to do a joint session with her mum. Ally asked them to talk about how they felt and listen to each other. It was the first time Ebony felt like her mum listened to what she had to say. Ebony realised how stressed her mum was, and how much she was struggling to balance working full-time and single parenting, as well as taking care of Toby’s needs. Until then she had no idea how much her mum was struggling for money. Her mum admitted she was often going without meals so Ebony and Toby had enough to eat. Ebony hadn't even noticed.

As part of her safety plan, they agreed that if Ebony was struggling to control her reactions using her exercises, she would leave the house. She’d walk to her aunt’s house. Her aunt had also suggested Ebony might like to come to stay every second weekend with her.

Things started improving. Ebony felt like her mum started listening to her more. Ally helped Ebony’s mum communicate clear rules, with consequences if Ebony didn’t follow them. Ally helped Ebony negotiate the rules so she could see her friends more on weekends. There was a turning point for Ebony when Ally asked her if she thought Toby feared her.

Ally has now stopped working with Ebony and her mum because she doesn’t need to anymore. Her mum is seeing a family violence counsellor. Ebony continues to stay one weekend a fortnight with her aunt and has no contact with her dad. While she still gets angry at home, Ebony now has ways to better manage how she reacts. She has recently got a job at a fast-food restaurant and is earning some of her own money. Things aren’t perfect, but Ally is hopeful the cycle of violence is broken.

About Berry Street Take Two

We are a trauma-informed mental health service with 20 years of experience working with individuals and families who have experienced complex trauma.

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the people we work with.